I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
