Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
