Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
