Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
