I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
