Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
