Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
