I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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