I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
