Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
