His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
