I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
