Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
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Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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