I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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