dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
