ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
