Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
