Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
