my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
