I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
