okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
someone owes me an orgasm
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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