I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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