Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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