Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so let's talk penis.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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