I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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