So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
