I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
