I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
