Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
