He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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