You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my night got REAL pukey
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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