bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
