why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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