i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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