my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
