I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
