Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
