I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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