Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
