6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
