Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
