You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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