The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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