Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
