I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
