God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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