I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
