Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
