Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
