Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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