I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
