I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
