There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
