He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
