Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
