Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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