Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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