Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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