Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's a Shit stain on my heart
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
