my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
