alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This beer is not sobering me up at all
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
