I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
