That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
